You have something great. You enjoy it immensely. You don’t show it the appreciation it deserves. You move on to something else. Yet, you long for what you used to have, I think this is the human condition as it pertains to women or at least this woman.
I am a work in progress. I have become mad as in crazy about finding ways to better myself both inside in out. Hopefully my fickleness is one of the things I can work to improve.
Leaving my family and knowing I have to wait another 6months to see them is hard. I have had a lot of fun over the break and finally got to a point where I was relaxed. Now as I pack my things to leave tonight I find myself anxiety ridden because even though I am in a better place and have set new goals for myself this semester I am returning to the same problem, my living situation.
My roommate is a very nice person, we got along really well before I moved in. After I moved in things changed, maybe I should have made more of an effort to keep our friendship as strong as it was but with work, and school and TA-ing a class I would come home exhausted and not really in the mood to talk. Plus with my family so far away and some of the people who mean the most to me scattered across the country it was hard emotionally and most weekends I was driving, taking the train, or even flying some where to meet someone. I take responsibility to for my half, I probably could have worked harder to make her feel like she was in the loop of my life.
I don’t want to sit and play the blame game but there were definitely things she could have done better, from letting her BF move in without having him pay money towards rent or utilities, to having me babysit her old roommates stuff all summer, to inviting people over to stay the night or weekend without telling me.
So after we finally had a talk getting things out in the open I have tried to make more of an effort, when I saw her during finals I made sure to ask her how she was doing and to wish her luck, I made sure to preemptively give her half the utility money a week before I left, when she waited the night before our last final to ask me to do some cleaning before I left I did it even though I got home around midnight and do most of the cleaning anyway, after our final was over I texted her to say goodbye and wish her a happy break, I emailed her on christmas. I have slowly tried to be more friendly and yet what do I find, the BF that was supposed to be moving out is conveniently still there. This is why I have anxiety, this is why I dread spending time in my apartment, this is why I eat every meal away from home and just sleep in my apartment. I say something about how I’m uncomfortable and it still doesn’t matter. What was the point of talking if what I said is of no relevance? I try to be a good person. But in a situation like this, if I don’t say anything I end up miserable and the asshole who isn’t friendly and if I do say something then I am the bitch because he’s down on his luck.
I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I want to stay with my family and play board games and lay under the christmas tree and watch the lights flicker on and off with my sisters. Lets make that moment last, not the months of hard work in school and work, and the frustration of living with someone who could care less you exist.
I think the title needs no explanation. When you’re in a funk regardless of where you are, sometimes you need to just break out in dance to make yourself feel better. I totes busted a move in H&M today, I’m a horrible dancer who doesn’t do this often, but today it was necessary.
Don’t be shy. DANCE. IT. OUT. Trust me, its the next best thing to baking a pan of brownies and eating them. Probably healthier too, definitely less shame and regret.
Every day I wake up I ask god to make me stronger. I’ve gotten to the point where I am confident enough to ask for what want with strangers but with the people closest to me I cant. Even when one of them hurts me, at the end of the day I feel like I apologize to them.
Make me stronger, give me a back bone.
We’ve all been in a situation where we feel like we are the ones giving more than we are receiving from people. Relationships, whether romantic or plutonic should be reciprocal. I think its hard to really evaluate the relationship or friendship in the midst of hurt feelings. So after thinking about this subject for a while I have tried to come up with a systemic way of being objective.
Lately a good friend of mine has not really been there when I needed them. They have cancelled plans to visit, not returned phone calls, and not returned text messages. It’s hurtful and on some level slightly embarrassing to me since I feel like I am investing a good portion of myself into this friendship and have been getting very low returns. At this point do I evaluate whether this person is a “seasonal friend” or a “lifetime friend” and cut ties? Do I act as if there is nothing wrong with being ignored? Do I confront them? This is the dilemma I am in.
I think in the long run this person is worth it. Every relationship has ebbs and flows but how long are you supposed to put up with the ebb? I try to put myself in their shoes and empathize with their situation as to curtail hurt feelings. I know this person is probably going through a lot, or maybe they aren’t and they just don’t realize that their actions could possibly be seen as hurtful. Who knows.
I want things to work out so I really make an effort to keep my feelings in line and not blow things out of proportion. I really try to take a step back and not project my expectations of what a friend should be on the person but rather let them show me what they are willing to bring to the table. And I really try not to let the small stuff ruin the bond.
Good friends are hard to find, I can count the number of good friends I have on one hand, so when you find one you should fight for them, right?
I guess my incoherent rant will end this way…
A good friend is worth fighting for, but if you are in the fight alone it seems as though you’ll always lose like when you try to box your shadow.
I hope I’m not in this alone…
I read a lot of blogs. I am a seeker of insight into the human condition as well as nosey. I don’t understand the concept of a person blogging only pictures. What is the point? Pictures are worth a thousand words yes but I feel that the point of blogging is to put something out into the world and to be able to share in that with people you may not meet otherwise. If you google a bunch of “cool” pictures what contribution are you making in this simultaneous exchange of emotions? how are you connecting to the world? Anyone can use google and find some pictures but I think the best blogs are those in which the person writing them make themselves vulnerable to the world in hopes that someone reading it will be able to connect with them.
Who knows thats just my two cents…
Ok so I work at this law firm. For privacy reasons, which are the fact that someone from the firm could find my secret public journal, I will call it White Men and Associates, LLC. I have a learned a thing or two in my month at the firm.
1) First rule of White Men and Associates, dont talk about White Men and Associates. *bad joke*
Real #1- DONT PISS OFF THE SECRETARIES AND PARALEGALS. These old broads are the backbone of the entire firm. The old attorneys treat them like goddesses of the highest caliber, and why not they have paid their dues. The young attorneys think because they are old as fuck that they aren’t hip. Well let me tell you these dinosaurs are cool and fit, but cross them and they will devour you.
2) Play up the law student card. FACT: free lunches are by far better tasting than lunches you have paid for yourself. It is super easy to get a free meal as an intern. All you have to do is ask to pick someone’s brain, they are attorneys which means they are vain and like to talk. Today I had a free lunch at El Sol, mahi mahi tacos, talk about charlie sheenin it outchea (#winning)
3) Never under estimate the power of google. Its saved my ass many times when I’ve had no clue on where to start a project.
4) Never judge a book by its cover. I met pregnant spray tan barbie complete with briefcase accessory (triple plus bonus for raw style) and her blue balled husband today. She was the smartest attorney I have met thus far. She words in a real complicated and boring part of the law PUC’s -_____- zzzzz snoozefest but woah she was awesome. (did I give her a backhanded compliment?)
5) Try to explana-brag. (self explanatory).
6) Play up your interest in the partners families even if their kids are mouth breathers or just the cutest kids you don’t give a shit about.
Welp I’m out. No graceful goodbye this time.
Time to take two on this tumblr thing. I’ve found that I want to say things and literally can’t. I’m always in my head and thinking about what people will say if I really say what’s on my mind. Twitter I thought would be a good outlet, NOPE totally fucked. I spend more time reading ignorant tweets from people I went to high school with than getting any type of point across. I can’t handle the amount of times a day I want to scream, but thats normal right?
You ever have that feeling where your blood feels like its carbonated? Yeah I’m there now. I’m living life as some type of awkward animal cause there’s no way I can be a person. People suck. I’m going to move to mars and start the douglas school for kids who can’t read so good, maybe I’ll make friends with a martian.
My mind wanders… I think it would be nice to have the option to erase memories of certain people from your thoughts… an eternally spotless mind but lets face it, there would be no sunshine there, you’d always know something was missing.
Struck out once now I’m batting a thousand.
